The Crusher

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The Crusher is a beloved famous esteemed professional celebrity athlete, comedian, ex-politician, veteran, footballer, thief, rebel, soldier, businessman, boxer, wrestler, bandit, philanthropist, trader, fighter, therapist, warrior, leader, chess expert, reigning champion, high-kneeser, scoliosite, beefophobe, hip twister, ball kicker, ninjutsu practitioner, grape hoarder, time bender, gossip sponge, ketchup slurper, superiority prover, task completer, problem solver, anti-procrastinator, admirer of frogs, enemy of wasps, clam killer, and certified gamer. He was originally seen as little more than a dough ball who always got in the way, but things have changed in the number of years since then, and he's had his fair share of attention among the press. He is the leader and most documented member of the Crushin' Crew, including its elite subdivision the Boisterous Four. His close friends/rivals in the Boisterous Four include The Labourer, The Hoover, and The Anti-Shagger.

The Crusher was apparently convicted for selling rotten tomatoes at a market a millennium ago, but he reappeared many years later in the modern day. He is yet to confirm or deny allegations of having formed naturally underground. He is known to have served in the military at some point, along with an amphibian partner who he now denies association with. He became known as a notorious criminal, being skilled at thievery and escaping confinement over years of pursuit, and accrued many supporters and opponents alike. After causing a spell of trouble on snowy battlefields with some controversial statements, he was finally arrested (allegedly due to his poor choice of footgear). Following his escape/release, public opinion on him became generally negative and he was inundated by largely unjust opposition, thought to have mostly been the work of a certain morally questionable political opponent from whom The Crusher is rumoured to have stolen a lung. Among the injustices The Crusher had to face was the theft of his precious toaster, orchestrated by a troupe of Bolivian gnomes. However, against all odds, The Crusher persevered in the face of this adversity, proving his incredible resilience, and he ultimately defeated his opposition and won back everyone's favour thanks to his indomitable spirit, proving his right to monopolise the grape industry for its benefit. It also came to light that the gnomemaster responsible for the toaster theft was none other than the bandit known as The Anti-Shagger, with whom The Crusher has a complex relationship. After triumphantly bounding into the sunset and disappearing for a few months, The Crusher soon returned to the public eye, more popular than ever. After he retired from politics due to his frustration with how meat market-like it had become, his disdain for beef was brought to attention, leading to the slaughtering of the Crushin' Cows. He is thought to observe a very Merry Crushmas. He would go on to boost his power in order to save the world from the apocalypse brought about by the sinister Clam Authority.